Takes

The Democratic Party is desperate for a podcast 'answer' because they offer no real substance

They're fucking desperate. If it's me from Cumtown, they don't have shit, dude. They think they lost because they didn't have a good enough podcast? They're fucking idiots because they offered nothing. Maybe they lost because they're like 'yeah, you can't have healthcare, but we painted a rainbow crosswalk'.

World War III is overrated and the term is being overused

My Who's Back of the Week is World War III. We're doing it again, boys. I think this is the fifth World War III that's happened in the last four years. ... I'm so sick of everyone saying World War III just started.

Donald Trump reports his weight as 224 pounds specifically to troll the media and trigger a reaction

He's actually lost weight. He's 224... 6'3" 224. So that is that's RG3... I think that he does that now. Like at first I think he was lying about it. Now he lies about it because he knows that people are going to make fun of him for lying about it.

Current political polling is useless because voters cannot maintain a consistent opinion for more than three days

I think a snapshot of any polling number right now is the dumbest... the swings in a very short amount of time. It's because no one, no one side can keep their shit together for more than three days. I don't understand like, the polling of one phenomenon that we have. I don't know that the tides are turning nearly as fast as everybody's pretending as it does day to day.

Joe Biden's exit from the 2024 race is the political version of a coach being fired after making the tournament

The whole Biden thing. Is he—he now is just that coach who got fired at Long Beach State and then made the tournament. That's what's happening. He's going to ride it out. He's going to coach the bowl game.

Joe Biden's political situation is identical to a backup quarterback entering a game

It is kind of like the backup quarterback situation. Kamala, are you really ready to see Trevor Siemian start? Let's go until he steps up and then throws three picks in the first half and you're like, 'fuck, I kind of miss Zach Wilson.'

Politics in the US is a sham where nothing ever changes

Politics I've said from the beginning is an absolute sham. Life doesn't actually get better for any of us, whether it's a Republican or a Democrat. And we're still just doing the same fucking two party system and not letting Bobby [Kennedy] get in or anybody else.

The US should have a 70 or 75-year-old age limit for political office

But just some common sense politics. Let's not let anybody over 75—the Packers have a rule, 70, you gotta retire. You go into a board of directors, it's 70, you gotta retire. That seems to make pretty good sense.

America loses the presidential debate because the only candidates are two 80-year-olds

America loses. Alright. We have a country of 360 million people and all we can find is two guys that are fucking 80 years old and America loses. Two 80-year-old guys with Cokehead sons. America loses.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have a 0% chance of actually being in love

There's no chance they love each other. Right? It's a work relationship. 0% chance that they're in love with each other.

Ronald Reagan would likely be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex because he was 'taught by the best' in Hollywood

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton. Actually Obama, right?

Donald Trump's 2016 Republican debate performance is a first-ballot Hall of Fame ass-kicking

The one that we, no one's gonna pick, but I do actually think it is a 1-1. It is Trump and the Republican debates. Trump versus all the other Republicans. He just fucking smoked him. He ended all their careers. Ted Cruz, your wife's ugly. Marco Rubio's got a small penis. He just great school bullied them all. It was a total ass kicking.

If you are obsessed with politics, you should know that your friends who don't care about politics probably hate you.

If you're someone who cares about politics, you should just know that your friends that don't care about politics probably hate you. ... I cannot imagine like two dudes that are like great friends and one of them's like very heavily into this shit and is just living on Twitter, firing off tweets... and the other guy's like, 'Yeah, bro, I don't really care.' I can't imagine how those two people get along.

There should be a maximum age of 65 for the US Presidency

I firmly believe this. If there's one rule that should be put in place right now... there needs to be an age max. You cannot be president past 65 for the first term... you'd have sharper people that could be more aggressive. I want the leader of our country to be a great leader but be able to really affect change.

MrBeast is effectively providing single-payer healthcare to individuals

I think the objection should be the fact that there are so many people out there that need a simple surgery that costs like a thousand dollars that can't afford it... Be mad at how we do healthcare. Be mad at healthcare, not MrBeast. Correctly providing single-payer healthcare to these people as an individual.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

U.S. politicians should settle disputes in MMA matches

Two politicians down in Brazil... had a three round MMA fight, which was sick... I really wish I kinda wish that would happen more in the United States and other places.

The U.S. got out of Afghanistan because we were losing

We were losing. It wasn't going great. Cost a lot of money.

High jumpers splitting a gold medal is the equivalent of quitting competition

The cutter and the Italian guy tied for high jump, and then they split the gold. I would do the same thing if given the opportunity to be like, 'Hey, you can quit now and get a gold medal.' That's the best of both worlds for me. But for the people who were like, 'Simone Biles is a quitter,' they should be mad about that. Because this is the most like—this is competition and you just tie. You must have consistency on this one.

The United States should bomb the outback of Australia just to show we're still crazy

We need to bomb somebody. Not that we really care. Some open area. Like the outback of Australia. Nobody lives there. Kangaroos. Fuck up some kangaroos. ... Just to show [Russia], look how fucking crazy we are.

If I become president, I will immediately ban any food that causes health conditions

If I become president, it's going to be an immediate change. I'm talking about a strong change. I'm going to start with food. I'm going to make sure any kind of food that I know draw any kind of health conditions, I'm just literally going to abominate it. I'm not going to ask for laws. I'm not going to ask for nothing. I'm literally going to just abominate them.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

You can pull down all the statues you want, it won't change the facts of what happened in history

I'm also looking around and seeing people today convinced they can change our present by altering the past. You can pull down all the statues you want. It's not going to change the facts of what happened. We can't improve the future by shining up the past. It is what it is.

I would be the only honest politician and could successfully run the country because I don't bullshit.

I'd be the honest politician and be able to figure out how to play the game without being corrupted not bullshitting everybody a hundred percent... if you want to get things done and be wise and be strategic, I'm very good at that that I'm an Executor... doing the right in the country. I think I could absolutely do. I mean I know I could have.

Undecided voters deserve to be pushed off a building

If you're an undecided voter you deserve to be pushed off a building. If you don't know who you're going to vote for, do they exist? If you're an undecided voter tweet at us and let us know because I'm so interested in how you put on a hat in the morning without giving yourself a concussion.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

The US national debt is essentially just a Bobby Bonilla contract that we have with China.

How the national debt works is that... whatever we owe to China's like our bookie and they basically are saying we'd rather you just keep playing then try to collect all this money... We have a Bobby Bonilla contract with the nation of China right now. We owe them a certain amount of money... every single year, as long as we keep those it's going then we can keep betting against the spread.

The US Postal Service should not deliver mail on Sundays; let the workers be with their families

why in the hell do the U.S. Postal Service deliver on Sunday anyway. Last time I checked, they broke as hell. So if anybody out there wants to know, I'm sending this to the U.S. Post Service. Please, our dear government, let the workers spend time with their family on Sunday... The U.S. Postal Service should not be delivered on Sunday anyway.

Kim Jong Un has at least a half-dozen clones of himself being kept on a farm in case he dies

I would imagine that he probably has at least a half-dozen clones of his, like actual clones that have been kept in like some weird farm just in case that he does die.

Bill Clinton saw Tyson cry and decided to claim his White House sex was 'anxiety management'

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the White House because it was managing his anxiety. Mental health is kind of buzzing right now... He saw Tyson cry and he's like, 'You know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.'

Joe Biden lost the youth vote by calling marijuana a 'gateway drug'

Joe Biden, he's running to be commander in chief, but he doesn't like weed. He says that it should remain illegal at the federal level because it's a gateway drug. Yeah, so he just lost the youth vote.

Your morals are only morals until it fucks with your wallet

It's a good life lesson: Your morals are only morals until it fucks with your wallet... The NBA is just showing them like, hey, we go against Trump because it doesn't cost us anything... but if we're talking about people wanting to be free, just kidding, we've got to sell the League Pass to [China].

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

Marijuana is objectively a safer and better option for pain management than addictive opioids

[Marijuana] is probably better than the thing [opioids] that kills 70,000 people a year and was basically created by doctors and big health care to make a shitload of money at the expense of people getting hooked to very, very addictive drugs.

I am officially canceling Beto O'Rourke because I don't know how to pronounce his name

I've already canceled you. I push you to the side, Beto, and you're done because I can't say your name. It's a very simple test. I need to be able to say your name [instantly].

The government are the biggest gangsters on the planet

The athletic commissions, California, Nevada, New York, they're run by the government. The government runs—and that's who we answer to. And you don't want to fuck with the government. They're the biggest gangsters on the planet.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Politicians who ignored the Flint water crisis deserve severe corporal punishment

Every politician that turned a blind eye to Flint, Michigan, should have their teeth knocked out with a steelhead fence post driver.

I'm starting a Prussian bot farm to brainwash America into being aggressively moderate

What about Prussian bots? ... They'd be centrist. Yeah, like super, super centrist and try to brainwash America to vote for, I don't know, Mitt Romney. ... Let's get a Prussian bot that gets Mitt Romney back in—I like it. Romney, Lincoln Chafee, 2020.

Admitting you are a golfer out loud is broken brain territory because President Trump also golfs

So we've talked about it a few times that Donald Trump, President Trump has broken some people's brains. And I would say this guy who is now saying he can't openly admit that he's a golfer because President Trump also golfs. That would be broken brain territory.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

The US military is faking alien news to distract Donald Trump and steal NASA's funding

The military saw how good NASA was at holding [Trump's] attention... they're like, this president fucking loves aliens and loves space. And they're getting... NASA's shine is getting too bright right now. We want a slice of that pie. And so now they're trying to distract him... they're like, fuck it. We're going to make up some aliens and we're going to pretend that there's a war because there's nothing more than Donald Trump wants.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

The sign industrial complex is intentionally keeping Americans angry at each other

This all points to the big sign industry. Posters, namely. Posters are having a record year because everyone's protesting everything. It's sticks and posters. It's the sign industrial complex that has a vested interest in keeping all of us angry at each other.

The extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.

You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

The 'all sides' of the political discourse are simultaneously on the Hot Seat and the Cool Throne

My hot seat is all sides. All sides are on the hot seat right now. Got to hear all sides. All sides are being heard. All sides are being considered. My cool throne is also all sides. So when all sides are on the hot seat, that also means all sides are cool throne.