Takes

The Democratic Party is desperate for a podcast 'answer' because they offer no real substance

They're fucking desperate. If it's me from Cumtown, they don't have shit, dude. They think they lost because they didn't have a good enough podcast? They're fucking idiots because they offered nothing. Maybe they lost because they're like 'yeah, you can't have healthcare, but we painted a rainbow crosswalk'.

World War III is overrated and the term is being overused

My Who's Back of the Week is World War III. We're doing it again, boys. I think this is the fifth World War III that's happened in the last four years. ... I'm so sick of everyone saying World War III just started.

Politics in the US is a sham where nothing ever changes

Politics I've said from the beginning is an absolute sham. Life doesn't actually get better for any of us, whether it's a Republican or a Democrat. And we're still just doing the same fucking two party system and not letting Bobby [Kennedy] get in or anybody else.

Billy Football is a legitimate candidate for Congress and is taking it seriously

I regret to inform you Billy football is a hundred percent legitimately running for this seat. And my fire Fest is that I feel like Oppenheimer, that by, by putting this into motion, I've affected the course of the United States for the foreseeable future.

Aaron Rodgers will run for vice president

I think he's gonna do it. I think he's gonna run for vice president. It's gonna be hilarious. I don't know if he's going, is he gonna retire or is he gonna try to do both? That's the real question.

Joe Biden should retire from the presidency and enjoy life

I don't wanna do what President Biden's doing at his age. I think he should just enjoy life a little bit. I don't know why he's doing it.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have a 0% chance of actually being in love

There's no chance they love each other. Right? It's a work relationship. 0% chance that they're in love with each other.

Donald Trump's 2016 Republican debate performance is a first-ballot Hall of Fame ass-kicking

The one that we, no one's gonna pick, but I do actually think it is a 1-1. It is Trump and the Republican debates. Trump versus all the other Republicans. He just fucking smoked him. He ended all their careers. Ted Cruz, your wife's ugly. Marco Rubio's got a small penis. He just great school bullied them all. It was a total ass kicking.

Joe Biden's dog Commander is just Major Biden with a different name

Joe Biden got a new German Shepherd. It has also bitten four people. There's no, that's Major Biden. I'm saying they didn't kick out Major. They just were like, 'yeah, we sent Major away. We got a new dog. Looks exactly like Major.' He just went on and just started biting everyone again.

If you are obsessed with politics, you should know that your friends who don't care about politics probably hate you.

If you're someone who cares about politics, you should just know that your friends that don't care about politics probably hate you. ... I cannot imagine like two dudes that are like great friends and one of them's like very heavily into this shit and is just living on Twitter, firing off tweets... and the other guy's like, 'Yeah, bro, I don't really care.' I can't imagine how those two people get along.

There should be a maximum age of 65 for the US Presidency

I firmly believe this. If there's one rule that should be put in place right now... there needs to be an age max. You cannot be president past 65 for the first term... you'd have sharper people that could be more aggressive. I want the leader of our country to be a great leader but be able to really affect change.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

U.S. politicians should settle disputes in MMA matches

Two politicians down in Brazil... had a three round MMA fight, which was sick... I really wish I kinda wish that would happen more in the United States and other places.

The U.S. got out of Afghanistan because we were losing

We were losing. It wasn't going great. Cost a lot of money.

High jumpers splitting a gold medal is the equivalent of quitting competition

The cutter and the Italian guy tied for high jump, and then they split the gold. I would do the same thing if given the opportunity to be like, 'Hey, you can quit now and get a gold medal.' That's the best of both worlds for me. But for the people who were like, 'Simone Biles is a quitter,' they should be mad about that. Because this is the most like—this is competition and you just tie. You must have consistency on this one.

Tom Brady will run for President of the United States in the future.

I will have a comment on [Tom Brady's] performance at the White House. He looked great standing up there speaking to our nation. I could see it happening in the future. I really can... I am running for President. He was great dropping jokes. Good looking guy. Everyone loves him. Winner.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

I would be the only honest politician and could successfully run the country because I don't bullshit.

I'd be the honest politician and be able to figure out how to play the game without being corrupted not bullshitting everybody a hundred percent... if you want to get things done and be wise and be strategic, I'm very good at that that I'm an Executor... doing the right in the country. I think I could absolutely do. I mean I know I could have.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

I will run for President of the United States in 2024 or 2028

If I do run it's probably going to be either 2024 or 2028. [Big Cat points out 2025 isn't an election year]. ... 2028, there you hear it. I think that'd be cool.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

Kim Kardashian has a better chance of being President than Kanye West

I actually do think that I don't think it's going to be Kanye. I would actually think that Kim [Kardashian] has a better chance of being pressed. Absolutely. In like five, ten years, 100%.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

The government is coming for the First Amendment by regulating comment sections

The government is coming for comment sections. They're taking away our First Amendment. They are coming for our First Amendment and they're trying to silence the internet commenters of America. It means right now that no one's allowed to talk trash on the internet.

I am firmly on the side that Kim Jong Un is dead

I'm firmly on the side of he's dead. I don't buy that it's him [in the new photos]. I think it's just—he looks kind of chunkier too, so it's just a fake Kim Jong Un.

Bill Clinton saw Tyson cry and decided to claim his White House sex was 'anxiety management'

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the White House because it was managing his anxiety. Mental health is kind of buzzing right now... He saw Tyson cry and he's like, 'You know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.'

Justin Trudeau is a poor leader who should not be managing Canada because he has never run a business.

Justin Trudeau is that he's never run a business yet has no idea what he's doing when it comes to being competitive... Trump slaughtered him on energy just yesterday. Another seven billion dollars left Canada in the energy space and it's moving to the US... I like Justin as a person. I would never let him manage my money. He shouldn't be managing a country and he will lose his job soon because Canadians are just howling at the moon there.

Larry Fitzgerald is eventually going to run for Senate in Arizona.

Larry Fitzgerald seems like he's okay with [being on a bad team] because I think he's going to run for Senate in Arizona. He's just squatting. I have a take on that—future politician Larry Fitzgerald.

Your morals are only morals until it fucks with your wallet

It's a good life lesson: Your morals are only morals until it fucks with your wallet... The NBA is just showing them like, hey, we go against Trump because it doesn't cost us anything... but if we're talking about people wanting to be free, just kidding, we've got to sell the League Pass to [China].

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

The super-wealthy will eventually live in biodomes or on Mars

The rich people are going to be living in a biodome. That's a fact. Or on Mars. They're already working on it, dude. It's going to suck for everyone else.

Marijuana is objectively a safer and better option for pain management than addictive opioids

[Marijuana] is probably better than the thing [opioids] that kills 70,000 people a year and was basically created by doctors and big health care to make a shitload of money at the expense of people getting hooked to very, very addictive drugs.

Larry Fitzgerald will retire and run for the U.S. Senate in Arizona

I think Larry Fitzgerald's goal here is when he's going to wait for a Senate seat to come up in Arizona, and he's going to retire and run immediately for the United States Senate... that's why he keeps playing in Arizona so that the entire population of the state is like, 'this is our guy.'

It is widely accepted that every leader in Louisiana will eventually be removed from office in handcuffs

Listen, it's widely accepted in Louisiana that every single leader is going to be removed from office in handcuffs. And that goes all the way from governor... all the way to basketball coach at LSU.

The government are the biggest gangsters on the planet

The athletic commissions, California, Nevada, New York, they're run by the government. The government runs—and that's who we answer to. And you don't want to fuck with the government. They're the biggest gangsters on the planet.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Donald Trump was intimidated by Nick Foles' physical presence

I think Trump might have been a little intimidated having Nick Foles... True, big dick Nick. You can't have a guy like that storm into your Oval Office... Especially with Melania around now. He basically becomes the president.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Every US taxpayer has a right to see the President's penis

In my opinion, every single United States taxpayer has a right to see the president's [Trump's] dick. I don't care if it's Donald Trump.

I will not visit the White House if the Eagles win the Super Bowl

If you guys win the Super Bowl, are you going to the White House? No. Is that a no? No, I'm not going to the White House. Are you kidding me?

The US military is faking alien news to distract Donald Trump and steal NASA's funding

The military saw how good NASA was at holding [Trump's] attention... they're like, this president fucking loves aliens and loves space. And they're getting... NASA's shine is getting too bright right now. We want a slice of that pie. And so now they're trying to distract him... they're like, fuck it. We're going to make up some aliens and we're going to pretend that there's a war because there's nothing more than Donald Trump wants.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

NASA is creating neon clouds to distract Donald Trump and maintain their funding

The fake nerds at NASA are just doing anything that they can to stay in front of Donald Trump, like distracting him like a laser pointer on the wall that says NASA so they can keep getting funding. They're back on their bullshit. They're making fake colored clouds. Shooting rockets up and just shooting out neon colored clouds.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.